FEELING FAR FROM PERFECT

bulimia cat meffan

There is often the pressure to feel like everything should be perfect when you’re an ‘influencer’ (forgive me for using that word, I hate it), but right now I feel far from perfect and this is something I think you should all know. I currently feel so full from food that I feel physically sick and I just came away from crying to Rob about how rubbish I feel and how I’ve failed at sticking to my plan of eating well over the bank holiday weekend.

I’ve come a VERY long way since my days of bulimia and eating disorders, but that doesn’t mean that body dysmorphia doesn’t still affect me. It does. It’s still very much a part of me and while the majority of the time I see my body as strong and I’m proud of it for being so, I most definitely have days (like right now) where I just want to take away all the food that I consumed today and start afresh. This isn’t about feeling guilty because I ate a little bit of cake, this a deeply rooted issue I’ve struggled with for many many years that seems to have reared it’s ugly head today. I didn’t just eat a few treats today (there’s nothing wrong with that), I binged. I lost all sense of willpower and just kept eating until I had to unbutton my jeans due to being so bloated and feeling so nauseas.

Why am I telling you this? I don’t actually know. I’m just typing through the emotion and my racing heartbeat and this is what’s coming out. I know that tomorrow is a new day and that tomorrow will be a better day, just like when this has happened in the past. My way of getting through it right now? Journaling, blogging, talking to Rob and closing my eyes and looking inwards, however painful that might be. Facing what I did today makes me feel guilty and ashamed, two things that I know I should absolutely not feel, but our feelings aren’t something we can control a lot of the time. Today has just reminded me that I’m still on a journey and whilst I feel good a lot of the time, there will be times when I don’t feel so good and I know that that’s ok.

I’ve used the photo above for a reason. I posted it on Instagram two days ago and it got a lot of likes maybe because of the abs, but behind the head of hair and abs I wasn’t feeling my best. Was I wrong for posting it on Instagram? That’s for you to decide. I know I posted it because it actually made me feel a little better and that’s ok with me. Instagram is my favourite social platform, I love the creativity of it, I love my followers and I love engaging with the people who follow me and the people I’m inspired by, but this is a reminder to us all to take everything with a pinch of salt. No one’s life is perfect, everyone has their own shit going on whether they chose to share it or not. The important thing is YOU. Look after yourself and love yourself, even if it takes time and there are down days like mine today, it WILL get better.

Love, Cat x

 

 

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26 Comments

  1. May 30, 2017 / 6:48 am

    I’ve just seen this post for the first time today and wanted to say thank you for sharing it. It’s been a while since I was regularly bingeing, and I’ve mostly been in a pretty good place the past couple of years, but every now and then I slip back into old… habits/comforts/suppressants, whatever the best word is to describe it. The last few days I’ve been feeling a bit low and overeating. Then the cycle starts again – I overeat, I criticise myself and judge my body, then I eat more almost as punishment. I know in my head that others still have the same moments, no matter how recovered they appear to be, but it’s still comforting to see it written in black and white. I hope you’re feeling better now, and thanks again for helping me not feel as alone!

    • cmeffan
      June 16, 2017 / 3:41 pm

      I hear you lovely! The vicious cycle really is rather vicious, but by talking about it we can overcome it. Thank you for commenting, I know how hard the blog post was to write, so a comment is pretty much the same. I hope you’re in a good place now. xxx

  2. May 10, 2017 / 1:37 pm

    I’ve been lucky enough not to suffer from bulimia but this post struck a chord with me as I am guilty (sorry for choice of word!) of this too and I completely understand where you are coming from. What has helped me is accepting those feelings of guilt, even if they are misplaced and chucking everything out so that the next day I won’t get caught in the cycle. Hope you are feeling better… Steph xx
    http://www.stephstyle.com

    • cmeffan
      June 16, 2017 / 3:59 pm

      Hey Steph, thank you so much for your comment. It’s so important that we all realise we’re not alone and that these feelings and actions are common. If we share our story and support each other then we’ll be able to overcome our issues :) xx

  3. May 10, 2017 / 7:48 am

    Cat I love this honest post and think you are extremely brave for sharing. I feel too often influencers come across as absolutely perfect beings who eat amazingly, exercise perfectly and are happy and content 24/7. Thank you for being true to us and sharing a truly personal struggle.
    I was plagued with anorexia in my teens and so completely relate to you. I think one can get it under control but a little part will always be with you. The main thing I read from this is your honesty. Not only to us but to Rob who’s your closest human and can be there and support you. Tomorrow is a new day and no one can be perfect 24/7 so don’t be hard on yourself. You’re gorgeous and an inspiration xx

    • cmeffan
      June 16, 2017 / 3:45 pm

      Hey Hannah, thanks so much for opening up and for your comment. The most important thing is that we all have support around us. Since writing that post I’ve actually been in a much better place. It’s honestly amazing what writing, sharing and supporting can do for someone. :) xx

  4. Tanna
    May 4, 2017 / 11:21 pm

    It’s impossible to undo all your hard work over these years in just one weekend. Forgive yourself. It’s ok. :-)

    • cmeffan
      June 16, 2017 / 3:46 pm

      Thank you Tanna :) xx

  5. Natalie Hobson
    May 3, 2017 / 12:42 pm

    Hello cat, thank you for this beautiful blog post. I have had disordered eating , truthfully I still struggle. I have severe anxiety and panic attacks and for the past few months I have been seeing a therapist.
    I have bad body dismorphia as when I was basically hardly eating obviously I didn’t have much body fat now I have gained some due to eating more , not being really strict etc, I honestly hate my body especially my legs the top part, I’m even trying to get surgery or lipo this is how much it’s affecting me, I know life is too short but I feel there is so much pressure to be a female now , I feel I don’t and won’t ever fit in.
    My body is also different due to having kyphosis of the spine so my body shape is different, I’m sorry if I have said to much but I think you’re body is beautiful, I do your Yoga from YouTube as I love the way my body flows, although I’m unable to do some of the moves.

    Lots of hugs Natalie

    • cmeffan
      June 16, 2017 / 3:48 pm

      Hi Natalie, thanks so much for your comment… it’s taken me a while to reply to everyone, but it was honestly so amazing to hear other people’s story and just the support that we can all offer each other. Your body is so beautiful because it’s YOURS and it’s real. Imperfections are what make us unique. I know how hard it can be to see the good things when we look in the mirror, but it’s time we started honouring who we are and how incredible the human body is. I really hope you’re in a better place now and are working towards a happier you. Sending love. So glad you enjoy the yoga flows! xxx

  6. Gaby
    May 2, 2017 / 9:40 pm

    sooo much love to you! i

    • cmeffan
      June 16, 2017 / 3:46 pm

      Thank you Gaby! :) xxx

  7. Jess
    May 2, 2017 / 8:06 pm

    Thank you Cat for your honesty. I have struggled with similar disordered eating for so many years and you have made me feel like I’m not alone and that I shouldn’t feel ashamed. I would love to hear more about your journey.

    • cmeffan
      June 16, 2017 / 3:52 pm

      Thank you for your comment Jess. It’s so important that we all know we’re not alone. xxx

  8. Alice Sykes
    May 2, 2017 / 6:42 pm

    Hi Cat,
    Thank you so so much for posting this. It must have been very hard but I really think it’s something that so many women and men feel on a daily basis.
    I know full well that feeling of losing control and bingeing. I was anorexic for some time when I was 18 (I’m 36 now) and still think about food ALL the time. I generally have things under control but I think the demons will always be there telling me I’m fat and I must not eat certain things etc.
    I love food and training but still struggle with body dysmorphia almost daily.
    I think you were very brave to post it and I really appreciate it.
    Alice
    Xx

    • cmeffan
      June 16, 2017 / 3:54 pm

      Hi Alice, it was hard to post, but it actually helped me so much. I’ve been in a much better place since writing the blog post, I think it really helped to write it all down and share. Like you say we might always have the demons lurking in the background, but we are strong women who can overcome anything. Sending love to you xx

  9. May 2, 2017 / 1:56 pm

    Hi Cat, I read this blog last night and again this morning. I just wanted to say that I find your honesty really inspirational. Seeing influencers (I know you hate that term) be honest about their struggles is so refreshing and adds so much authenticity to their messages. As someone who battles with binging eating I want to thank you for this post, it has made me feel better about my own struggles.

    Thank you!

    Toby

    • cmeffan
      June 16, 2017 / 3:55 pm

      Thank you for reading Toby. If just one blog post can inspire someone else or make them feel like they are not alone, then I feel that I’m doing my job. It’s so important that we share our feelings and seek support when we need it. :) x

  10. Jess
    May 2, 2017 / 1:25 pm

    I really appreciate you sharing this! I used to think people like you had the perfect life and it made me feel like I was the only one struggling with my mental health. Being honest and open about these things makes me realise that I am not alone and if we all pull together we can lift each other up! Thank you xxx

    • cmeffan
      June 16, 2017 / 3:56 pm

      Hey Jess, no such thing as the perfect life 😉 It’s so important to me that people know the human that sits in the photos. I want you all to know that I’m real, imperfect and just like you all. Let’s support each other xxx

  11. Sophia
    May 2, 2017 / 12:22 pm

    Loved this post so much! Am going through a marriage break up at the moment, I have moments when I’m ok and can smile, then others where I just cry uncontrollably about all I’ve lost. Knowing that you and other people have down days helps me realise that I’m normal, I’m not over sensitive and over emotional. That it’s ok not to be ok. Thank you for that xx

    • cmeffan
      June 16, 2017 / 4:00 pm

      Sophia, I really hope that your heart is on the mend and that the lost/down days are getting fewer. We’re all normal. It’s good to cry and it’s good to feel, we just have to know that there is a better day coming. xxx

  12. May 2, 2017 / 7:44 am

    Cat, as much as it must be painful to post this it’s important to share these feelings. So many women experience the same thing and it’s easy to separate the perfection of instagram and social media with the reality of life and flaws etc.
    I try and remember that it’s what we do over a month or year that is the making of who we are on the inside and what we look like on the outside. One day is just a day.
    I’m very new to yoga and loved doing ur class at befit the other day. You inspire people into yoga by making it fun, encouraging a smile and teaching resilience. Now look inside yourself and find the fun, the smile and the resilience… it’s all in there in ambundence.
    Take care and have an amazing day- looking forward xx

    • cmeffan
      June 16, 2017 / 4:01 pm

      Thank you Louise and thank you for coming to my BeFit class – I loved teaching there! :) Sending love right back to you! xxx

  13. Laura
    May 2, 2017 / 6:15 am

    It’s so easy to look at people’s lives and see all the glam and the happiness. Thank you so much for sharing your struggles, it’s so nice to know that I’m not alone. you’ve really inspired me to not be ashamed and to be more open about my stuggles instead of hiding them away.

    Thank you xxx

    • cmeffan
      June 16, 2017 / 4:02 pm

      Never be ashamed you beautiful lady! Sending you much love and hope that our paths cross again soon xxx

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