FEELING FAR FROM PERFECT

bulimia cat meffan

There is often the pressure to feel like everything should be perfect when you’re an ‘influencer’ (forgive me for using that word, I hate it), but right now I feel far from perfect and this is something I think you should all know. I currently feel so full from food that I feel physically sick and I just came away from crying to Rob about how rubbish I feel and how I’ve failed at sticking to my plan of eating well over the bank holiday weekend.

I’ve come a VERY long way since my days of bulimia and eating disorders, but that doesn’t mean that body dysmorphia doesn’t still affect me. It does. It’s still very much a part of me and while the majority of the time I see my body as strong and I’m proud of it for being so, I most definitely have days (like right now) where I just want to take away all the food that I consumed today and start afresh. This isn’t about feeling guilty because I ate a little bit of cake, this a deeply rooted issue I’ve struggled with for many many years that seems to have reared it’s ugly head today. I didn’t just eat a few treats today (there’s nothing wrong with that), I binged. I lost all sense of willpower and just kept eating until I had to unbutton my jeans due to being so bloated and feeling so nauseas.

Why am I telling you this? I don’t actually know. I’m just typing through the emotion and my racing heartbeat and this is what’s coming out. I know that tomorrow is a new day and that tomorrow will be a better day, just like when this has happened in the past. My way of getting through it right now? Journaling, blogging, talking to Rob and closing my eyes and looking inwards, however painful that might be. Facing what I did today makes me feel guilty and ashamed, two things that I know I should absolutely not feel, but our feelings aren’t something we can control a lot of the time. Today has just reminded me that I’m still on a journey and whilst I feel good a lot of the time, there will be times when I don’t feel so good and I know that that’s ok.

I’ve used the photo above for a reason. I posted it on Instagram two days ago and it got a lot of likes maybe because of the abs, but behind the head of hair and abs I wasn’t feeling my best. Was I wrong for posting it on Instagram? That’s for you to decide. I know I posted it because it actually made me feel a little better and that’s ok with me. Instagram is my favourite social platform, I love the creativity of it, I love my followers and I love engaging with the people who follow me and the people I’m inspired by, but this is a reminder to us all to take everything with a pinch of salt. No one’s life is perfect, everyone has their own shit going on whether they chose to share it or not. The important thing is YOU. Look after yourself and love yourself, even if it takes time and there are down days like mine today, it WILL get better.

Love, Cat x

 

 

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